


This Scares Him

by LapisLazooti



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Depression, Dysphoria, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Trans Dipper, Trans Ford, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Writer, Very very briefly though, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7900729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LapisLazooti/pseuds/LapisLazooti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He feels tingles up his arms and a lump in the back of his throat as he adjusts his grip on his backpack, hearing the faint mechanical sounds of their bus approaching. This scares him.</p>
<p>Dipper returns to Gravity Falls along with Mabel after skipping a summer, all while trying to deal with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and generally feeling empty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1; Breathe.

'I should be excited,' Dipper thought. 'We haven't seen Grunkle Stan and Great Uncle Ford for two years, I should be happy.' But he wasn't.

He knows the same happiness and excitement Mabel has should be present in him, too, but he only finds a void. This scares him. 

They're in ninth grade now. When they go back to California and school starts up again, they'll be in tenth. Dipper thinks this may be why he isn't excited. They're still at the bus stop in Piedmont, but he knows the next time they're here things will he just as horrible as they have been. He knows he's being overdramatic, and that they have the whole summer ahead of them. But he also knows summer will be over too quickly. This scares him.

It fills him with dread knowing when he gets home he has to deal with living as a girl again. He has to deal with the constant misgendering again. He dreads the constant dissociation he'll face when he gets back and sees all these boys his age, mid-male puberty with their patchy facial hair and deep, cracking voices. All the exciting horror Dipper knows he has to wait at least three more years for. He dreads all of the name-calling and the violence.

He feels tingles up his arms and a lump in the back of his throat as he adjusts his grip on his backpack, hearing the faint mechanical sounds of their bus approaching. This scares him.

\-------

He thought that maybe somepoint in their nine hour bus ride he would find that excitement, but it treated him no better than waiting at the bus stop. At least his anxiety had decided to calm itself down for a bit, although he wasn't sure why. Normally he would be shaking because he was convinced the bus was going to run into a tree, or something.

"Welcome to Gravity Falls!" Mabel read the greeting sign aloud with uncanny levels of enthusiasm. She pressed her face against the window and squealed with excitement. 

Dipper felt bad for being jealous of her ability to emote so genuinely like that.

She screeched again and placed her hands on the glass when she saw their friends and family waiting for them at their stop, holding signs above their heads and cheering.

He kneeled on the seat to see over her and smiled a bit. There was Wendy, her hair shaved on the side and gauges in her ears, wearing his old hat. Soos, and Melody who had an obvious baby bump, Pacifica looking much less pretentious, Candy and Grenda holding signs welcoming Mabel...

Again, he felt jealous and he thought himself a bad person for it.

And of course, Stan and Ford were in the front of the group. Happy. 

He was happy too, he decided, but he knew not as much as they all were. Not enough to warrant a huge grin and bodies almost bouncing, unable to contain the pure joy. But he grinned anyway.

The bus stopped and he had just enough time to grab his things before he was practically thrown off of the bus by his sister. He was met with cheers and applause from the group and nearly tackled by the red head, who, excitedly switched their hats. "Dipper, my dude!"

He was happy that he wouldn't be misgendered here though, even if the dread of knowing it would just make it harder when he went back still hung over him like his own personal raincloud. 

Before he could even say hi or reply to that, she picked him up and hugged him tightly. "We missed you!"

This had somehow become a group hug from the rest of her friends as well. He noticed Robbie the most, how he'd dyed his hair blood-red now and was still wearing that hoodie, only the sleeves had been cut off. He caught a glimpse of scars on his forearm, and made a mental note to apologize to Robbie for judging him so harshly the summer before last. 

"Ey, At least let 'em hug their family first!" Grunkle Stan laughed that hearty laugh of his, and over Wendy's shoulder he saw Mabel run to hug him. He spun her around, almost losing his balance before setting her down. "Jesus, kid!-" he exlaimed, "I knew you were gonna grow but you're gonna be taller than me if you keep this up!" 

Mabel merely laughed, and the teens finally let Dipper go so he could greet his great uncles. He hugged Stan first since Mabel was now hugging Ford, babbling on about how many sweaters she was going to make him, and asking him how he liked the nearly half dozen pairs of customized gloves she'd mailed to him for winter.

Dipper didn't get any comments about his height - he was a few inches shorter than Mabel, anyways. Just a tight hug and a "Gah, I missed you, ya big nerd."

Ford was different. Before hugging him he placed his hands on his shoulders and grinned proudly as he looked over him. "You're growing into quite the young man." Dipper smiled, genuinely this time, and nearly thew himself into his Uncle's embrace. 

"I missed you." He sighed. He did, whole heartedly. 

"I missed you too, Dipper."

He feels the void lessen and he tightens his grip around the other, feeling safe for the first time in awhile. Ford seems to sense this and rubs his back slowly. He wasn't going to let go until Dipper let go, until Dipper was ready. "Are you alright?" He whispered.

"Yeah." He whispered back and took a deep breath before letting go. Ford gave him an undertanding nod and an empathetic smile. 

He looked around to find Mabel - She was saying hi to Pacifica now, holding both of her hands and er, "briefing" her on the bus ride here, including many unneeded details, like exactly what they had for lunch and the awkward conversations she'd had with other passengers. 

The two had been texting quite a bit since summer '12 and from what Mabel told him, became quite close. He could tell that his sister had a crush. And by the blush on Pacifica's cheeks, that probably wasn't make-up. it wasn't an unrequited love. Hooray, another summer romance of her's that made him feel lonely and unwanted. Just what he wanted.

He should be happy for her. He knew he should. He wanted to be happy for her.

Even back home, she was the one with all the friends. Her outgoing personality and immunity to the fear of failure, she was a perfect social butterfly. She made friends so... Effortlessly. And then there was him, the friendless book nerd. The shut in. He'd been through too much to try to act normal. His passions were ghosts and the paranormal, of course people would think he was fucking crazy.

He supposed that was one of the great things about Gravity Falls; no one thought he was off his rocker. Everyone else had seen the things he had. They knew they were real, even if they didn't talk about it. 

At least he had friends here. And if not friends, family, and good family. Not a privilege he got in Piedmont with the exception of Mabel. His parents were shit. He shook his head - he told himself he wasn't going to do this. He was making things worse for himself by thinking about sad things in such a happy place, so he pushed everything aside. Or tried, at the very least.

\------

He clutched his chest, getting to the top of the stairs to the second level of the house was more of a chore than he had remembered. He took breaths that were cut short by his lungs being unable to further expand, and he was pretty sure he heard a crack. That was unsettling.

He didn't say anything, though. In fact he pretend like he could properly breathe - something that was easier said than done. There were two main things people could assume about his shortness of breath, either he was a couch potato, or he was binding unsafely and he didn't particularly want either of those.

Their room had obviously been tidied up before they came. No signs of dust or dirt, the beds were already made, the wood was a little bit too shiny, and the triagular window glimmered in the now setting sun. He guessed the cleaning culprit was Ford. Stan wasn't this clean and neither was Soos.

Dipper inhaled briefly, smiling at the familiar scents of the room. It smelled like home. He opened the closet and laughed a bit seeing that one of Mabel's sweaters had been left, apparently unnoticed. Somehow, he related to that sweater. While he put his clothes neatly on the hangers, Mabel opted to dump her suitcase onto the floor and floop onto her bed, petting the painted yellow star on the headboard. "Yessss..." 

He rolled his eyes. "Well... I'm gonna go downstairs. You should really put your things away...." He picked up one of her skirts off the floor and tossed it at her with a chuckle before heading into the hallway.

He heard a groan behind him, "Fiiiiiine..."

He walked down the stairs rather slowly this time. He spotted a faint blonch of what he was pretty sure was blood on one of the stairs, from what he was pretty sure from the time Bill had thrown him down them. He shuddered at the thought and tried not to dwell on it too much.

That was a nasty memory. Anything having to do with Bill was a nasty memory. Being possessed, living in fear of someone else being possessed, literally everything about weirdmaggedon... He could feel his heart race and his breath pick up. He tried to push the traumatic memories back. He couldn't deal with this right now.

He could hear Bill's laugh resonating in his mind, mocking him. He was starting to feel light headed as he was overwhelmed by unpleasant flashing of images; of Bill, of weirdmaggedon. He was suddenly crouched under a crumbling brick building, screams ringing in his ears. He made the bad decision to peak over the building and into the chaotic street, only to see a child being morbidly disemboweled by one of Bill's cronies. Blood spattered onto the building, onto the ground, it was everywhere. He felt like he was about to vomit up all of his own organs as he saw a lump of intestines spill onto the filthy road. He ducked back down, praying in panicked whispers that the monster didn't see him and do the same thing to---

"Dipper!" Ford's voice and his hand on his shoulder shook him out of his trance, both literally and figuratively. 

He couldn't breathe. He knew he was having a panic attack, and he knew he never felt like he could breathe during these, but this time he really couldn't. He felt the bandages tighten around his ribcage as he took increasingly panicked breath, and he heard another crack. A high pitched, pitiful exclamation of pain escaped his lips and startled the man in front of him. 

"Dipper - you - you need to talk to me! What's wrong?! Breathe!" The panic in his uncles voice only elevated his own. He felt like he was dying. Any moment he could pass out and just... kick the bucket. And as much as he fantasized about that scenario, in the moment that was one of the last things he wanted. He shook his head and watched the droplets of water fall from his face onto his tan shorts and then onto the coat of the same color that Ford wore. He must have picked him up. He felt the vague feeling of a hand cradling the back of his head and looked up to see what he thought was the ceiling light, it could've been heaven though, and then he saw nothing. He supposed he saw the latter choice.

\-----

No, it was definitely the ceiling light, he decided when he woke up on the living room couch. He sat up and felt a rush of embarrassment and guilt when he turned his head and realized everyone was in the room, staring at him. He made uncomfortable eye contact with Ford who looked a little too exasperated, and he felt even more guilty than before. He felt like he was about to get yelled at.

No one said anything, and this scared him. Did something happen? He didn't say anything either, until he spotted the pile of bandages on the floor that were too familiar to him. It was a wonder he hadn't noticed the lack of pressure around his chest until now. "Oh." He stared at the floor in a valiant attempt to not make eye contact with anyone again, but failed as soon as Ford spoke up.

"You know this isn't safe." 

'It's safer than not binding at all.' He wanted to say, but that would raise questions that left him much too vulnerable to his liking. "I don't have anything else." 

"You could puncture a lung like this, or break a rib. Especially having panic attacks like that. Believe me, I know, and it isn't exactly a party." Ford sighed and left his seat to sit on the edge of the couch next to Dipper. "You don't want Mabel to nearly have a heart attack because you're on the ground crying and screaming about your chest hurting, and then having to go to the hospital. Trying to explain why you had ace bandages around your chest isn't a nice thing to explain to the nurse, either."

"And If that sounds too specific, it's because we've been there, kid. You don't want to put Mabel in the place I was, believe me." Stan chuckled dryly.

"And I don't want you to be in my place either, Dipper." He smiled almost... Nervously? Something that looked out of place on Ford.

It took him a few moments to process what his great uncle was implying. He stared at him, mouth gaping open in a manner he knew he was rude, but he couldn't help himself. He looked over him a few times before simply pointing between them, speechless. Maybe the reason he felt so connected to Ford had just revealed itself. 

He nodded, and felt a ping of happiness when the teen lunged to hug him, tightly. 

Dipper wasn't alone anymore. He knew someone that he relate could relate to. Someone he looked up to, was just like him, and for once, he was proud to be him. He was proud to be the way he was. He found himself bawling again, face buried in the collar of his idol's trench coat. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried out of happiness, or relief, even. It felt nice. It was an amazing change of pace from the tears of agony and dysphoria.   
   
"Don't ever bind with those bandages again, alright? We can make you a binder to use until we can order you a proper one." His voice was low and reassuring, but it only made Dipper cry harder as he nodded enthusiastically.


	2. Chapter 2; Be Brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Listen. I know I haven't updated in over a YEAR and everyone, myself included, thought this was going to end up an accidental one-shot. 
> 
> But I came out in October, and while things aren't as bad as they could be, they still aren't awesome. Somehow it didn't occur to me to go back to writing as an outlet until now, but here I am. Thanks to a recent commenter who reminded me this exists lmao. Will this get updated again? Only time, demand, and Matt's angsty ass can will decide,
> 
> also, it's 1:40 AM, i'm recovering from a cold, and this wasn't proof read in the slightest, uhhhhh

After finding some suitable tutorials and ideas from Ford, Mabel was able to assist in making Dipper a makeshift binder just fine: just something to last him until the newly ordered one could get here. It was only an old, altered camisole of Mabel's, and it didn't flatten him as much as the bandages did, but at least they didn't hurt. He was confident he could go out without outing himself, and that was good enough for now. "How is it?" Mabel asked, holding her chin in her hands, elbows rested on her thread and fabric covered bed. 

"It's good," Dipper nodded. He wouldn't criticize her work - it was impressive, anyway, even if it didn't flatten him completely. He looked himself over in the mirror, switching between looking at himself straight on and from the side to observe the slight bump beneath the homemade binder. This was alright. It was. His head snapped to the door when he heard three short knocks. "Come in."

The door cracked open, the more science-oriented of their great uncles poked his head in, before opening the door fully. He stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest and a small but warm smile on his face. "I didn't expect you two to be done with your project so soon."

Mabel triumphantly holds her phone up to him, showing the results page for homemade binding tutorials. "We had help." She grinned a toothy, braces-filled grin.  
A look of slight surprise passed over Ford's face. "I see. I'm glad those resources are easy to find now. Does it fit well? It's not too tight?" 

"I don't think so." Dipper shrugged, tugging on the bottom of the binder to both pull it down and evaluate the fit a bit more. "I can breathe a lot better than with the bandages?"

Ford nodded in approval. He moved from his place in the doorway to stand behind Dipper, his hands resting on the other's shoulders. "Mabel did an excellent job. Though, it shouldn't take long before your official binder gets here, just a few days.

Dipper felt a swell of happiness in his chest, having Ford's hands on his shoulders as if he was proud of him. It was something a Dad or a Grandpa would do. ...He wished Ford was his Grandpa. His actual Grandpa was alright from what he could remember of him, but Grunkle Ford would make an absolutely bad ass Grandpa. Though, he supposed a bad ass Grunkle was just as great... especially a supportive Grunkle who genuinely understood him. The only person he knew that could, actually, even if others wanted to. "...Thanks for buying that for me." He muttered with a small smile, looking down at his feet as he shifted his weight sheepishly.

 

"Anything I can do to help my Great-Nephew, or Great-Niece." Ford nodded towards Mabel to acknowledge her as well. 

"Anything?" She grinned, sitting up and swinging her legs over the side of the bed.

"Of course."

"Could you.. maybe drive me to the craft store really quick so I can get some yarn? All of mine wouldn't fit in my suitcase, and Grunkle Stan is probably sick of dragging us places already." She snorted. Classy, classy Mabel.

Stanford shook his head in amusement. "Fine, Fine. Although i'm sure he isn't tired of it. You've only been here a few days, and he missed you two quite a bit." As much as the grumpy old man would try to deny it, he almost added jokingly. Mabel gathered her things; unicorn covered wallet and cross-body purse she had made from the designs of sweaters she had outgrown. "You comin' too, Dipper?"

He shook his head. "I told Soos i'd help out around the Mystery Shack today once we were done. You two have fun, though."

\----

 

Dipper headed down the stairs after throwing on a shirt and his vest. ....and checking himself in the mirror again to make sure everything was tucked in place. It was a Saturday, prime time for the Mystery Shack, so he knew they wouldn't be just hanging around all day doing nothing. He had clearly forgotten how heavy the flow of customers was in the Shack however, because even on a Saturday there weren't many people to help. Why did Soos have so many helpers, then? Sheesh. Stan still helped supervise now that he and Ford were back from adventuring. So with him, Wendy, occasionally Pacifica, and he and Mabel now, it seemed excessive for the amount of work needed. Though, maybe with Melody unable to work due to how far along she was in her pregnancy, they needed the extra help?

He padded down the hallway and past the living room to the storefront. He saw Wendy leaning against the counter, checking her phone. Her hair hung down to just slightly brush against her face, the screen from her phone projecting a soft light across her freckled cheeks. ...Maybe some crushes don't go away all that easily. "H-Hey," He stuttered out to announce his present, giving an awkward wave when she looked up from her scrolling. 

"Hey, Dips. I haven't seen you much since you got here. How's it goin', man?" She grinned at him, putting her phone down on the counter to show she apparently wanted to engage in conversation. Wendy held back a chuckle when Dipper came around the counter and assumed a 'cool' pose as he leaned back. 

"It's going alright." He shrugged.

"And how's high school treating you so far?"

"It's..." He paused to let out an awkward laugh. "...Mediocre. I'm in a ninth grade only school right now, but high schoolers are mean. No offense."

"Nah, none taken." She waved her hand dismissively. "I bet it'll get better when you move in with the older kids. Freshmen are the worst in my experience. No offense."

"None taken." Dipper smiled at their almost playful conversation. He hoped it would get better and that everyone would mellow out, because the amount of abuse he suffered from the hands of his peers was absurdly unfair. At least here he wouldn't be bullied. As much, at least - but maybe everyone here had mellowed out just like Wendy said... Robbie in particular. He seemed to have changed a lot physically, at least.

"...I missed you man." She playfully punched him in the shoulder, the smaller rubbing his arm at the point of impact. Geez, cuter and stronger than he remembered. A deadly combo.

"I missed you too, Wendy."

Her phone vibrated against the wooden counter, only making the buzzing sound louder and scaring him. "Shit, sorry dude." She swiftly picked it up and replied to her new text with the speed of a thousand jet-pack bearing dragons before putting it in her pocket, not wanting to scare Dipper again if it went off again."..Hey, you wanna hang out with me and some of the gang tomorrow? Do some cool high schooler stuff now that you're in the club."

Dipper blinked, not quite expecting the invitation. Should he? He wanted to, sure. But what if something happened and he wanted to go home, and they'd think he was a baby? What if he said something wrong and they thought he was a freak? So many things could go wrong if he left the safety of the Mystery Shack with just him and his family. What would Mabel say in this situation? She'd probably tell him he needs to get out of the house, honestly. "Uh.... S-Sure, man." He chuckled nervously, clearly trying to act cool and very clearly failing.

"It'll be super fun, I promise. Mabel can come too if she wants. She's pretty cool too, and it'd be nice to have everyone back together again now that you nerds are back in town." She ruffled his hair - which. Was frankly quite unfortunate for both of them, as Dipper had skipped a few showers and his hear was slowly becoming a cesspool of greasiness. 

Despite that, he was thankful for the other inviting his sister as well. Mabel made his anxiety lessen, made him feel more at ease when he was with someone who knew about his social downfalls and could make up for what he lacked in his 'hanging out' skills. "Hah... Yeah. I'll see if she can come."

"Awesome." Wendy went back to her phone after it vibrated in her pockets, this time it stayed in her hands as she consistently typed or scrolled on some social media site, unknowingly leaving Dipper to just. Stand there, awkwardly. Luckily the day passed by quickly; customers coming and going, as well as a few locals popping in to chat or bring things for Soos Melody's soon to be born baby. Mabel and Ford had returned as well, Mabel carrying an arm full of bags of craft supplies and their Grunkle following behind, carrying a couple of shopping bags as well. They said farewell to Wendy for the day and flipped the 'open' sign to 'closed'. 

"Dipper," Mabel said seriously, placing both of her hands on his shoulders with an intense expression. "You stink worse than Waddles after finals week. Please shower, for everyone's sake.

Dipper almost laughed at the Waddles analogy and the truth behind it, but the daunting thought of showering prevented it. But he didn't want to reek during the teen hangout session tomorrow. It had to be done.

\----

Placing his towel over the bathroom mirror for the time being, he slipped out of his shirt and shorts, his binder following, albeit hesitantly, He didn't bother folding them neatly, just discarding them to the tile floor and hurrying to get to the shower's warm water. He may as well hurry if this has to happen. He grabbed a washcloth and tried his very best to speed-run his bath, his eyes staying fixed on a crack in the tile wall to avoid looking down at his own body. That was kind of sad, wasn't it? That he would much rather look at an ugly flaw in an old bathroom wall over his own body.

Disregarding his poetically sad thoughts, he turned the water off and stepped out, grabbing his towel from the mirror and ruffling his wet hair with the soft fabric. He dried himself off shakily, his gaze now fixed to his reflection in some masochistic act against himself. His hand shook as it passed across his chest, and he finally broke when he had to dry off a little lower, The mirror made everything feel real, making him acutely aware of every part of his body that felt wrong. This was stupid. He'd been seeing his own reflection for years, why did it still break him like this? And why was he fine sometimes, and others he couldn't shower without having a panic attack or a sobbing breakdown. It was unfair.

He pressed his face in to the damp towel to muffle his cries and catch tears that welled in his eyes. His shoulders rose and fell quickly with each pathetic sob, ribs hurting from their expansion and need for air. He wished he could just be okay. He wished whatever cruel being who did this to him hadn't chosen him for this. ...But at this point, he didn't believe in a higher power in that sense. Demons, of course, witches, monstrous creatures, everything he had seen - sure. But no god, despite anything his parents said. No god would do this to him. 

"...Dipper?" A voice came from behind the door followed by a knock, Mabel's voice sounding small and concerned - the towel not doing it's best to quiet him as he had hoped it would. 

He slid down to the floor to cover himself more while continuing to cover his face with the towel. He knew Mabel wouldn't leave if he told her to. This wouldn't be the first time this happened. And if he didn't respond at all, she honestly might get Stan or Ford to break the door down or something. "C-Come in..." He muttered weakly, going silent when the door creaked open, and then shut again.

"Dipper..." She came over to him, sitting cross legged in front of her brother about a foot away to give him a little bit of distance. "Things won't be like this forever."

"I-I can't do this for three more years, Maybe four or five- or more, what if it never gets better, or I-I can't go on T, or..." 

"You will! If you don't have the money to do it, I'll become a millionaire businesswoman and the CEO of my own sweater company. That is, if you aren't already a famous scientist by then." Mabel smiled a warm and reassuring smile, one that was hardly seen by anyone but Dipper. "So... Just breathe, okay? You have the whole summer to be Dipper, and a whole summer of people seeing your body as male as we do. Do you need to count with me...?"

He shook his head. "I-I'm.... okay." Mabel's words were as reassuring as they could possibly be in this situation, He should bathe in being gendered correctly and the freedom to be himself and do whatever he want without the weight of being judged. He should try to enjoy this summer, even if he knew hell awaited him afterwards. That scared him.

But he may as well try to be brave for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here's this sad shit. Hopefully it'll get better? I'm going to try to keep this going, but I don't have any idea where I'm going with this.


End file.
